Disclaimer:  the links listed here are some of the ones I have used in my research for my stories or future stories. <wink>   One last note, I don't know the politics nor beliefs (not entirely anyway) of any of these sites, so as in anything:  Caveat Indagatrix (loose Latin translation:  searcher beware). <G>

(I found this on the internet and forgot to write down the author’s name – if this is you, please email me so I can give credit for a very funny piece  but here are a few that include pieces of this:  http://freaky_freya.tripod.com/horror_movie_rules.html    http://slashermania.tripod.com/html/guidebook.html

– Hunter)

Surviving A Horror Movie 

Let's say you're walking along. All of a sudden, it gets dark. A wolf howls, you hear heavy breathing. Yup, you somehow got stuck in a horror movie. But not to worry. You can get out! All you have to do is abide by these rules. Oh, you might wanna grab a piece of paper and a pen, there is quite a few of them...

 When it appears that you have killed the monster, *never* check to see if it's really dead.  

If you find that your house is built upon or near a cemetery, that was once a church that was used for black masses, had previous inhabitants who went mad or committed suicide or died in some horrible fashion, or had inhabitants who performed necrophilia or satanic practices, move away immediately.

 Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.  

Do not search the basement, especially if the power has just gone out.  

If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they should not know, or if they speak to you using a voice which is other than their own, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run. NOTE: It will probably take several rounds to kill them, so be prepared.

 When you have the benefit of numbers, *never* pair off or go it alone.

 As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.

 Never stand in, on, above, below, beside, or anywhere near a grave, tomb, crypt, mausoleum, or other house of the dead.

 If you're searching for something which caused a noise and find out that it's just the cat, leave the room immediately if you value your life.*

 If appliances start operating by themselves, move out.

 Do not take *anything* from the dead.

 If you find a town which looks deserted, it's probably for a reason. Take the hint and stay away.

 Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure you know what you are doing.  

If you're running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice, more if you are of the female persuasion. Also note that, despite the fact that you are running and the monster is merely shambling along, it's still moving fast enough to catch up with you.

 If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes, foaming at the mouth, increasing hairiness, and so on, get away from them as fast as possible.

 Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Nilbog (God help you if you recognize this one), the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine.

 If your car runs out of gas at night, do not go to the nearby deserted-looking house to phone for help. Likewise, if your car has broken down, and the only refuge for miles is that creepy old mansion / castle on the hill, stay in the car.

 Beware of strangers bearing tools such as chainsaws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawnmowers, butane torches, soldering irons, band saws, or any device made from deceased companions.  

Listen closely to the soundtrack; and pay attention to the audience, since they are usually far more intelligent than you could ever hope to be.

 Never listen to any music that contains staccato shrieking violins.

 If you are a woman, never strip and take a shower in slow motion.

 Do not keep all your sharpened kitchen knifes in one of those wooden block thingies on your work surface.

 Look at the film credits and paycheck for the other cast members, the higher the paycheck and/or the greater the number of films the more likely that cast memeber to survive.  Therefore stay with them.

 The first woman to either lose or remove her clothing is dead meat.

 The guy with the testosterone overdose is also dead meat.

The guy that is always making jokes is often dead meat too.

 When you're searching a house because you think there's something dangerous there, for God's sake turn the damn lights on!  

Never back out of one room into another without looking. It's always behind you.

 If you are traveling with friends, never let any hitch hikers in the van with you. It'll be the worst (if not the last) day of your life.

 Never babysit. There are more than enough  babysitter-in-danger-thanks-to-a-stupid-killer flicks out already. 

If you are stupid enough to babysit, never try on the mom's nightgown collection. You'll only end up showing more skin. Remember: Skin=Death

 If you are being chased, never lean against the wall when you think you lost him. He'll pop through and kill you.

 Never go to camp or become a counselor. You'll probably be dead by the end of the summer.

 Never say “I'll be right back.”  You won't be back. End of story.

 Don't ever do something just because someone dares you to.

 Never EVER visit or move to a small town in Maine.

 If you ever visit a distant planet and find some objects that look like eggs, leave them alone.

 Then when one of your spaceship's crew finds a hideous parasite attached to his body (as a result of disobeying the previous rule), don't let him back on the ship.

 When a hideous alien menace is hunting you (as a result of disobeying the previous two rules) never wander off alone to hunt for the ship's cat.

 If someone tells you to do or NOT do something (ex: DON'T fall asleep, DON'T go out there, DON'T look for the homicidal-chainsaw-wielding-psychopath by yourself) then by all means, listen to them!!

 A small-town's little summer celebration might sound like fun. But if you hear the locals say things like, “Why you're the guest of honor! We couldn't even HAVE the barbecue without you!” ....run like hell.

 If you are trapped in a house surrounded by demons, making coffee will not help anyone.  

Always be nice to the shy, quiet, unpopular girl in school.

 Clowns never have been, nor will they ever be helpful to hang around while in a horror movie. As harmless as they might seem, they WILL kill you once you let your guard down.

 NEVER go back for anything you lost, anywhere.

 Avoid people with pointy teeth.

 Avoid people with lots of facial hair.

 Avoid people with pale complexion who moan and sway.  

If the barber remarks on the “666” tattoo your buzzcut kid now has, abandon the kid and move to Irkutsk.

 If you see a burly man wearing a hockey and toting a chainsaw, DO NOT stick around to see if he's with the Philadelphia Flyers.

 Never buy your kids a toy that talks back.

 Remember, Just Say No To Human Blood.

 Never watch a horror movie while you're in a horror movie.

 Never, under any circumstance, ever plan a camping trip that coincides with Friday the 13th.

 Pigs blood is not now, nor has it ever been, funny.

 If the young girls of the neighborhood sing songs about boogeymen while jumping rope, consider moving. 

If you hit a man with a car in the middle of the night, and try to roll him off a dock, make sure he is dead! Secrets can come back to haunt you.

 Never EVER play with any Ouijja board that you find in the basement of you newly bought, run-down house.

 Never say the same word or phrase (ie: Candyman) five times in a mirror.

 Never talk to strangers, when you just hear over the radio or t.v. that someone has just escaped from the mental institution.

 Never under ANY circumstances should you run into the deserted grave yard at night.

 If running from the killer/monster, don't even try the car. It does not matter if the car is brand new--it won't start.

 If running from the killer, try to make the least amount of noise possible--especially if you are female. Panting, crying and screaming is not going to help you hide better.

 For pete's sake....NEVER stick your hand down the garbage disposal--especially after hearing strange noises in your house or while sinister music is playing.

 Don't get married to a guy that has Satan Worshipers as friends. They will want you to birth the Anti-Christ.

 Never answer the phone when you are baby sitting. Just get the hell out of there &  leave the kids for dead.

 The top three things that equal death are: alcohol, drugs and sex. That includes strip poker.

 If you think you see your boyfriend/girlfriend, and they are wearing a mask, not talking, or conspicuously hiding their face, it's not them.

 Don't ever be mean to the new kid. They will kill you in the end.

 If you ever hear a strange noise coming from upstairs that sounds similar to, oh, lets say a severed head falling to the floor, don't go trying to find out what it is.

 Never touch something that just oozed out of a comet that landed neat an abandoned farm house.  

When battling zombies, always sever their head or shoot 'em in the brain. If they still want your brain after that, let 'em have it, there is no hope for you.

 Never wait until you need that gun to check and see if it's loaded.

 If you have to stay out in the woods or at a camp, you're doomed. But at least you'll have a fighting chance in a cabin. Never EVER take the tent.

 Never try to unmask the killer.

 Never hide in a closet.

 Never listen to strange voices on the telephone.

 Never say “Who's there?”. 

When in a horror film, if you should find that your hand has been possessed by the Force of Evil, do not under ANY circumstances, chop off your hand. Doing so will merely embue the disembodied hand with the freedom to wreak havoc independent of your body, and you will have to spend the rest of the film trying to track it down.

 If you have that feeling that you'll somehow end up being chased by zombies during the night, remember to wear some comfortable running shoes.

 After babysitting, don't walk down any deserted streets with lots of trees and bushes, but no lights. 

If you're a girl with long blonde hair and big boobs, you're pretty much screwed.

 ALWAYS check the backseat of your car before you get in. 

When running away from a killer/monster/maniac etc... NEVER run upstairs.

 If you see someone who is within screaming distance, and you are running from a killer, for the love of god, SCREAM!!

 If a giant shark is chasing your family, don't go swimming. Actually, stay away from the water, period.

 If you're babysitting, don't play with the kids Chucky doll.

 If one night you see a dark haired girl carrying around dolls with scratched out eyes, back away slowly then run like hell. 

If you see a really good looking bleached blonde british guy that says “Pet” and “Bloody hell” a lot, and he hangs around the dark haired girl with the dolls...again, run like hell.

 If you go to your school library and you see that there is a lot of books having to do with vampires and demons...move away ASAP.

 If the killer is standing three metres in front of you, don't stand there and scream at him while he running towards you. It may come as a shock, but he does in fact want to kill you.

 A female should never EVER wear a white shirt without a bra while escaping a monster or madman. It will only increase your chances of falling and cause a freak rainstorm that will make your shirt transparent and result in your immediate death.

 If you live in Maine and your hometown includes a clown driving a car he calls Christine with a large, rabid St. Bernard in the backseat, while residing in an old, haunted hotel near a strange Pet Semetary, and hangs out with teenage girls with telekenetic powers. . .you're pretty much screwed.

 If you DO happen to get killed, make sure it's in a cheap low-budget gore-fest with no plot, so you can come back and kick ass, no explanation needed.