While My Guitar Gently Weeps Part 1

While My Guitar Gently Weeps

Frau Hunter Ash

Email: hunterash@sti.net Feedback welcome!!
Homepage Addy: http://www.hunterash.com/

Disclaimers: The characters and show all belong to Joss Whedon, Fox, Mutant Enemy, Kuzui, and God only knows who else. The storyline, however, is the sole property of the author and I’m just borrowing the characters for just a bit. This story cannot be sold or used for profit in any way. Copies of this story may be made for private use only and must include all disclaimers and copyright notices.

F/F romance: the story assumes a loving and sexual relationship between people of the same and opposite gender <G>. If this offends or is illegal for you, then please leave. Come back when you are older, have an open mind, moved, or changed your laws.

Spoilers: This takes place somewhere in Season 6.

Summary: This is more than song fan fiction – the characters actively use songs and the lyrics contained in the songs as messages to each other. Hope you enjoy. Full lyrics available on request. Buffy died and was brought back and isn't happy about it and took up with Spike. Willow and Tara are still together though, having found a new and interesting topic to hold their attention other than Willow's casual use of magic.

Rating: R (US), 15 (UK), MA (Australian)

Part 1

* * *

"Please tell me again why we're out clubbing?" Buffy sighed. "I want to get back to Sp… slaying, I need to patrol."

Willow and Tara both caught the slip but chose to ignore it. Buffy hadn't confided in them that she was having sex with the vampire and neither witch wanted to confront Buffy with it. They were both afraid of pushing Buffy even further away than she already was.

It hadn't been an easy month for any of the Scooby Gang, Willow reflected. Not even for Spike, although she was quickly losing any sympathy or friendship she had once felt for the neutered vampire.

Willow had tried to be patient and understanding, especially after finding out that they had resurrected Buffy not from some hellish dimension but from somewhere peaceful. The red-haired hacker was beginning to lose that patience though. Instead of reaching out to her friends, Buffy had turned to Spike and was even having sex with him.

Tara had argued that Willow shouldn't make faces or go "ewww" when they discovered Buffy's sex life with the vampire. They had arrived home very late one night after doing some research at the Magic Box and saw the Slayer and vampire having sex on the kitchen table. Tara pointed out that Buffy had been with a vampire before and Willow had been with a werewolf.

Willow had threatened to materialize a balloon full of water above Tara's head if she brought that up again and frowned at the thought of Buffy with Spike. "Resolve Rosenberg face" had brought about endless nights of discussion, arguments and self examination of their lives all around the Scooby Gang, excluding Dawn and Buffy.

Anya had been uninterested in whoever Buffy was having sex with, Xander had nearly taken an axe after the vampire, however. Shouting had ensued with him pointing out how Spike had tried to break them all up before so he could get to Buffy.

Willow and Tara had countered that they didn't care if she slept with Spike, what worried them was that Buffy wasn't getting better emotionally, even with the relationship. She was still distant from the gang and drifting further away.

Then Anya had pointed something out that had stuck with Willow for several days. There was another member of the Scooby Gang missing from the meeting, Giles.

Tara admitted that Anya had been very insightful in pointing that out and the fact that Giles was becoming almost as distant emotionally as Buffy.

Willow promptly set about discovering what was causing their friend to pull back emotionally. Buffy being distant, Willow could almost understand that, but Giles was another story. He was their rock, their mentor and friend but ever since Buffy's death he had been lost, as if just passing the time until one or all of them were killed without the Slayer around.

Willow resorted to waiting outside the Magic Box, where Giles had been sleeping on the sofa in the back ever since returning from England. That in itself had bothered Willow, as if he was unwilling to commit to being back in the States and was just waiting to leave again.

The red-haired talked Tara into waiting with her in the laundry mat across the street and both sets of eyebrows rose when Giles locked up the shop with guitar case in hand.

"He's playing again?" Tara asked, remembering the time they had stumbled across him performing.

"Must be," Willow nodded, watching her mentor head towards the northern part of town. "One, that was an electric guitar case. I've never seen Giles with an electric guitar. Two, he was wearing jeans, t-shirt, leather jacket and tennis shoes. What's wrong with this picture? Was that Ripper or Giles?"

"Ripper? That time you told me about with that sorcerer Ethan and candy that made the adults turn into teenagers?" Tara asked, trying to keep all the stories from the Scooby Gang sorted in her mind.

"Yeah, let's see where he's going," Willow urged.

* * *

"Because we haven't seen enough of you lately," Tara said, answering Buffy's question. "This is a new club and we thought you might enjoy a night out."

"I've got things to do," Buffy frowned, looking towards the door.

"Buff, you've been neglecting us and, I for one, am feeling it," Xander said, adding a smirk to ease the sharpness of the words. "I think I might even have to buy a round of drinks for everyone because of my sorrow."

Anya giggled at Buffy's exasperated expression and the Slayer let herself be led to a table with the others, effectively surrounded by her friends.

Buffy wanted out of the crowded place. She was uncomfortable being around people, even in dim lighting. Ever since returning the only time she felt comfortable was being alone at night. Not even the sex with Spike made her feel better, Buffy thought to herself, it just made her "feel" and it was worth it if she could feel something for just a few minutes.

Most of the days and nights were spent just getting through the minutes for the Slayer. Buffy knew what was happening around her, she was efficient, responsible and almost mechanical in everything, even Slaying.

If she had talked it over with Giles, Buffy might have recognized her same reactions when she had been forced to kill Angel to save the world. She had shut down her emotions and had run away. This time she wasn't running away physically but emotionally she was just as shut off. Not even Spike was really getting through; he was merely something that broke slightly through the darkness.

Willow and Tara gave up trying to draw Buffy into conversation after five minutes although Xander still gave it a good shot until the house lights dimmed and the stage lights went up. The new curtains pulled back to reveal a modest stage with a band already set up to play.

Willow managed to resist breaking into a grin as she took in the sight of Giles in the lead singer and guitar position as Xander, Anya and Buffy began to figure it out as well. Tara squeezed Willow's hand tightly under the table, warning her girlfriend not to give it away that she and Willow had anticipated Giles onstage.

Ripper was dressed in well worn black jeans that were faded almost grey. His Doc Martins were also well broken in and looked almost natural on the lean body. A black t-shirt, leather wrist band, and dark biker sunglasses completed his look and Anya sat with open mouth as she took in her business partner. Willow glanced over and giggled to herself as Xander almost dropped his drink.

The one that caught Tara's eyes, however, was Buffy. The Slayer looked stunned and mesmerized at the sight of her Watcher in anything other than tweed and button down shirt.

Giles apparently didn't notice the group among the crowd as the band did a quick check of their instruments and growled as he approached the microphone.

"Welcome to the Cellar, enjoy, mates!" Ripper smirked. "Here's an old one by MC5. Right now it's time to Kick Out the Jams!"

Ripper slammed his guitar pick over the strings as the drummer crashed his high hat and snare, opening the set with the hard rocking tune of band life.

Xander managed to complete the action of dropping his drink and Buffy nearly fell out of her chair at the screaming guitars and her…her Watcher?

The band slipped right into Limp Bizkit and even Willow was surprised almost into choking. When the hell did Giles listen to heavy metal/rap or whatever it was? She had anticipated something more along the lines of Free Bird or something old, not the modern stuff that even gave her a headache most of the time.

The crowd seemed to enjoy the high energy the band was putting out and a dance area was quickly forming in front of the stage. Tara wondered it if was going to disintegrate into a mosh pit if the band kept this kind of music up.

Hearing Giles do Metallica's "King Nothing" had Xander convinced that they had either entered some demon dimension or the place was haunted and he was living a nightmare. Giles did not know Limp Bizkit and Metallica, his brain protested.

Tara, meanwhile, having put up with heavy metal all her life from her brother Donnie, was watching Buffy, they had been hoping that something would draw the Slayer out of her shell and back to them. Now the blonde haired witch blinked in surprise at the obvious interest and… what?

The band opted for a short break to repair a mangled guitar string and the gang watched, open mouthed, as Ripper turned and grabbed a bottle of whiskey and drank straight from the bottle and handed it to the bass player to share. Giles/Ripper pulled a bandana out from a back pocket and rubbed it over his face before turning to talk to someone yelling for his attention off stage.

"Oh God!" Xander exclaimed. "Tell me this is so not happening! That…that… he's possessed!"

"Well, it certainly is different than singing in a coffee shop," Anya agreed. "The music is louder and more intense."

"He's…he's…" Buffy stammered.

"Possessed!" Xander shouted.

"Xander, calm down," Willow said impatiently. "He's just playing in a band, not dealing drugs or raising demons or something."

"Playing in a band? At his age?" Xander squeaked.

"I remember someone wanting to see the Rolling Stones this year," Willow countered. "How old are they? Mummified like one of your girlfriends?"

"You dated a mummy?" Anya asked with a frown.

"It's not like I knew she was a mummy!" Xander protested as Willow smirked, having diverted him.

Tara squeezed Willow's hand and slightly nodded her head in Buffy's direction when she caught Willow's attention. The hacker's eyes narrowed as she took in her best friend watching Giles on stage. She realized Buffy was seeing her Watcher in something of a new light and seemed fascinated by it.

"We'll be back, girl break!" Willow announced, dragging Tara to her feet.

"I don't want a girl break," Anya protested. "I want to know about Mummy Girl! First jackals and now mummies?!"

"Hyenas, I was a hyena, not a jackal!" Xander complained and Buffy continued to watch Giles, ignoring the witches.

Willow and Tara took advantage to slip away from the table and outside the club for some fresh air and to talk without the pounding decibels.

"Am I imagining things?" Tara asked softly as they stayed close to the door. They might be powerful witches but it was still Sunnydale and something could always attack in the shadows faster than they could cast a spell.

"Buffy's paying attention to something other than going through the motions?" Willow nodded. "And it's Giles? That is kinda weird."

"You had a crush on him," Tara pointed out.

"I had a crush on Giles," Willow clarified. "One geek to another."

"You think Buffy's attracted to him?" Tara asked, leaning against the wall as several club goers slid past them down the stairs to the main entrance. "I could never tell but I thought he felt about Buffy and all of you like his children, not sexual like."

Willow frowned. "I don't know. Maybe Buffy needs the element of danger in her boyfriends and Giles certainly looks it tonight. We know he isn't functioning well without Buffy needing him. Could it be more? How do we find out?"

"I've got an idea!" Tara grinned. "Tell me something, love, is setting up our friends so we can spy on them evil?"

"Nope," Willow said cheerfully. "We're working towards the betterment of our Slayer and Watcher, that means being sneaky and underhanded is allowed.

* * *

The next set the band chose was a little less intense in speed and volume, ranging from Led Zepplin to Nine Inch Nails.

Willow was feeling good about bringing Buffy to the club and her obvious enjoyment in seeing a new side of Giles. Then the witch frowned, Giles was hitting the whiskey bottle regularly between songs and it didn't seem to be fazing him. The witch wondered how long he had been drinking this time, having seen a weakness for it in the past with Giles.

Ripper went through Ozzy Osbourne's "Mr. Crowley" easily, smirking to himself that Sunnydale was actually an appropriate place for a song about a notorious sorcerer. Then the singer caught a glimpse of familiar red hair and looked closer through the crowd.

"Oh God," he muttered as the bass player, Tim, grabbed the whiskey bottle from Ripper.

"What, old girlfriend?" the younger man teased, using a bar towel to try and dry his hair.

"No, just… unexpected," Ripper growled. "Go into that song we rehearsed earlier this week."

"I thought that was just kicking around," Tim shrugged. "You're the boss, Ripper."

Ripper returned to the microphone, feeling a little more vulnerable knowing his kids were watching him, but the dark sunglasses helped counter that.

"This one is for a rogue wolf I know," Ripper growled into the microphone.

"Broken doll baby and she says that life is a waste

It doesn't have to be that way.

Dad threw away her mom, her mom gave up his name.

Crucified by their words, nailed by shame.

She stares into the sun, self inflicted pain

She sees that they are blind, why does she take all the blame?

The rhyme has changed compulsion rules.

Mary's little lambs are now raised by wolves

A voyeur with wings flashes a cure.

She knows forbidden things, they have a lovely lure

It's alright, its okay, welcome to this life

killing time watching the grass grow

It's alright, its okay, welcome to this life

Don't worry, sweet baby, because it's over before you know

Persecuted, she's not normal, I envy her strange ways

7 deadly sins. Seize the hour, seize the day

Her ideas need expression, her wounds never bleed

Her beauty lives in my eyes, too bad she can't see

She doesn't try, I watch her spirits die, but giving up the ghost would feel so good

A voyeur with wings flashes a cure, she knows forbidden things, they have a lovely lure

It's alright, its okay, welcome to this life

Just killing time watching the grass grow

It's alright, its okay, welcome to this life

don't worry,

Crumbling Camelot, idle teardrops, cloudy diamonds

Freebase fun house, expecting to fly but she's just standing still

Every time she gets it up she just can't close the deal

So she gives herself another way out and walks the dog for the 50^th time

And files her nails until they bleed and cries how she doesn't have to try

It's alright, its okay, its alright

It's alright, its okay

It's alright, its alright

(It's Alright, It's Okay - Leah Andreone)

Ripper moved away from the mic, refusing to glance Buffy's way to see if she caught any of the meaning in the lyrics. A slamming guitar twang led the band into Papa Roach's "Last Resort"

Xander groaned and leaned on Anya's shoulder. "Tell me Giles does not know the 'f' word, that can't be Giles up there singing Papa Roach, it just can't."

* * *

Buffy grumbled to herself as she worked her way backstage. Like most clubs, the "backstage" area consisted of a small area with cases of beer stacked to the ceiling and discarded amps and lots of wires.

"How the hell did I let them talk me into this?" she complained to herself as she moved past one band member and then another.

"Hey, sweetheart, why keep walking? Wanna see my sticks?" the drummer suggested.

"Only if I get to shove them up your ass," Buffy growled.

The drummer laughed and wrapped his arm around a young woman who had also worked her way backstage to meet the new band in town.

"Where's Giles?" Buffy demanded.

"Who?" the bassist frowned.

"Ripper?" Buffy guessed.

"Right, he's settling with the manager for the week's pay," Tim grinned, realizing this must be the young thing that had his bandmate nervous. Tim could see why, she was stunning. Well, he corrected, maybe a little too thin. "Go on through, he'll be back around in a moment."

Buffy nodded and continued in the subdued lighting until her feet caught on some electrical cord, almost sending her to the floor.

"Thanks," she said automatically to whomever's strong arms had caught her. The hands pulled her upright and Buffy found herself standing almost against and looking up at Ripper without his sunglasses. "I, uh…"

Ripper himself wasn't thinking clearly. The pounding from the amps was still ringing in his head and the generous amount of whiskey he had consumed onstage in the bright lights was beginning to take serious affect. Giles resisted pulling his Slayer closer and bit the inside of his lip to keep from moaning as he looked down at her thin blouse and short skirt.

"I, uh," he stammered as well.

"We, uh, came to see the new place," Buffy tried to explain, leaning into him, against his chest and closing her eyes, taking in his previously hidden strength through the t-shirt. "A… a ride, we wanted to offer you a ride!"

Buffy blinked and stepped back, blushing.

Ripper growled and started to follow her but stopped and ran a hand through his hair. "Uh, yeah, of course! Is there room?"

"I, uh, think we can make room," Buffy said softly, refusing to look in his eyes.

Ripper looked down at his boots to avoid looking at his Slayer as well and put his sunglasses back on.

Willow and Tara, having cast an invisible spell on themselves, silently cheered and squeezed each other's hands as they watched the Slayer and Englishman interacting.

* * *

"Where the bloody hell were you?" Spike demanded as Buffy entered the graveyard where his crypt was. The vampire stepped out of the shadows of a tree with a snarl as Buffy pretended to ignore him.

"None of your business," Buffy complained.

"It bloody well is my business since you were supposed to be here with me last night! Candles, wine, the whole romantic thing, remember?" the vampire snapped as they walked along.

"Give me a break, Spike," Buffy said slowly. "What we have is not romantic, anything but."

"What?" Spike growled, grabbing Buffy's shoulder and spinning the Slayer around to face him. "Tell me you don't feel something for me, Buffy. You know you do."

"Spike, we've been through this," Buffy growled, knocking his hand away. "We are not doing it again! You were convenient! That's all!"

"Bloody hell that's all!" Spike growled back, backhanding the Slayer only to have Buffy hit him solidly with a right cross. In a flash they were exchanging blows until Buffy had Spike pinned to the wall of a crypt.

Instead of staking him the Slayer began kissing him desperately, just like their first night together. Spike moaned and began pulling at Buffy's jacket as she ripped his shirt open. The vampire managed to pull the Slayer along as clothing began to be pulled or ripped aside and get inside the tomb just before she dropped his trousers around his ankles and he took her to the floor.

"Oh Goddess, I did not want to see that!" Willow hissed, regretting her idea of following Buffy now.

"Me either, sweety," Tara agreed, starting to pull Willow back out of the graveyard when both of them stopped and ducked behind a tombstone.

Willow chanced a glance around and saw that the movement that had caught their eyes was Giles stepping out of the shadows of a tall oak tree. The Watcher apparently hadn't seen the witches but Willow had a good idea from the expression on his face that Giles had seen Buffy and Spike.

When he reached the gate of the cemetery, the Watcher pulled out a flask and took a very long drink from it before glancing back towards the crypt. The witches watched as he shook his head and moved away back towards the Magic Box.

* * *

"Hey, Ripper," Gerry, the owner of the bar, called out as Giles headed backstage to set up his rig for the nightly performance. Since Buffy hadn't asked any of the Scooby Gang for help in Slaying since coming back from the dead, Giles had busied himself with finding a band that wanted his hidden talents. Nightly gigs were a blessing to the Watcher who was no longer needed. Giles grumbled to himself, the only thing he was watching lately about his Slayer was her sordid affair with a vampire.

"Yeah, Ger?" he asked, walking over to the bar with his guitar case in hand. Like most guitarists, he might leave an amp behind at the bar, he might leave his PADs and other equipment but the guitar didn't leave his sight.

"I got this request list today from some pretty young thing that said two of her friends were having problems connecting and would be here, wanna look?" Gerry asked, waving a neatly folded piece of binder paper under Ripper's nose.

"Sure thing," Giles muttered, snatching the paper from the man with incredible speed that left Gerry blinking. The Watcher unfolded the paper and glanced at the songs. "Hmmm."

"Melissa Etheridge, the Police, Duran Duran," he muttered. "I think we can handle most of these. It's a Monday, slower night."

"That's what I figured," Gerry nodded. "Save the banging stuff for the younglings on Fridays and Saturdays."

"No worries then, mate," Ripper grinned as Gerry handed him a bottle of Jameson Gold Irish whiskey.

"Expensive taste there, Ripper," Gerry commented. "You're the only one that drinks that stuff."

"I can afford to kill myself with it," Ripper shrugged, taking his bottle and guitar backstage.

Giles was surprised when he glanced out at the crowd later to find Buffy sitting near the front. It had been two nights since she had been at the club and they had all crammed into Xander's little car, Buffy practically on his lap. Ripper had been more than aware of how close she was and how good that felt. The alcohol, the high from performing, and his endless desire for his Slayer had made the ride very uncomfortable.

What he was feeling now for the young woman was a mixture of grief and anger. Giles knew he was losing Buffy, that she wasn't the same since returning but he had never expected her to start sleeping with Spike. Giles felt a familiar disdain for himself. It had been obvious to himself for awhile that Buffy didn't need him, now it seemed to be obvious to everyone else as well, no one seemed to miss him for Slayer duties.

Giles frowned to himself and Ripper turned away from the curtain with a snarl. "Rather have a walking corpse, would you?" he growled. "Hey, set it up for the latest Papa Roach."

"Uh oh, Ripper's fangs are out tonight," the drummer smirked. "It's going to be a rocking night."

The curtain opened and Ripper, dressed in tight Wrangler jeans, black cowboy boots, tight white t-shirt, leather wrist bands and dark sunglasses, approached the microphone, no longer worried that Buffy or the others might be there. They didn't need Giles so Giles was gone. Ripper was here to work out some issues.

"This one hits a little close to home, enjoy or not," he growled.

When I see her eyes, look into my eyes

then I realize that she could see inside my head

so I close my eyes, thinking that I could hide

disassociate so I don't have to lose my head

this situation leads to agitation, will she cut me off?

will this be amputation?

I don't know if I care, I'm the jerk

life's not fair

fighting all the time, this is out of line

she loves me not, do you realize I won't compromise

she loves me not

over the past five years, I have shed my tears

I've drank my beers and watched my fears fly away until this day

she still swings my way but it's sad to say sometimes

she says she loves me not

I hesitate, I tell her I hate this relationship

I want out today, this is over

(She Loves Me Not - Papa Roach)

Buffy frowned as the energy of the crowd around her began to build. She hadn't really been interested in whatever Giles and his band were playing earlier that week or tonight until he commented on the song being close to home. The Slayer listened to the lyrics for the first time and felt her face blushing.

Ripper refused to glance her way as the band moved into Steppenwolf's "Magic Carpet Ride," and the Slayer wondered who exactly the song was meant for in Giles' life. The more she thought about the less Buffy liked it.

"Goddamn, self righteous jerk!" she growled and watched as Ripper grabbed a quick pull from a whiskey bottle and Buffy frowned. She knew that the Englishman had resorted to drinking when he was depressed before and wondered if that's what he was doing now. "Why should he be depressed?" she suddenly demanded as Willow and Tara walked up to the table with their drinks.

"Huh, what?" Willow stammered, surprised at Buffy's furious expression so soon after just getting there.

"Him!" Buffy shouted over the music. "Look how he's drinking!"

"Well, maybe he's feeling left out of things or s-something?" Tara suggested.

"Of what? I asked him to help, you know, like with figuring the finances and stuff and how to handle Dawnie," Buffy complained.

"Have any of us helped you with Slaying or anything?" Willow countered, feeling her patience falling a notch. "Buffy, do you know where Giles is sleeping?"

"Sleeping?" Buffy looked confused.

"He's sleeping in the Magic Box, its like he's not staying!" Willow said, her expression one of exasperation. "You're not training with him, you haven't asked for help in researching anything, and you haven't asked any of us to help you with slaying anymore."

"Its my fault he's drinking again?" Buffy squeaked. "I've been doing fine with the slaying and why should I put any of you in danger?"

< Or let us interfere with you and Spike > Willow thought bitterly. "We've been doing this since I was 16, remember? We also held it together and did the nightly slaying thing while you were…were…"

"Dead, yeah, I get it," Buffy snapped, turning to watch the band. "So I'm doing the Slayer thing and I'm getting flak for it?"

"Can I talk to you f-for a moment, Buff?" Tara asked shyly.

"Huh? Why?" Buffy demanded as Willow frowned, looking slightly worried.

"Please?" the blonde witch asked softly.

Buffy shook her head but stood up and headed for the door as the band cut into several rocking classics. The Slayer turned with her arms crossed as the door shut behind them.

"What up?" she demanded.

"Buffy, you're g-getting flak because your f-friends are falling apart around you and you h-haven't noticed," Tara said calmly even though she was trembling inside. She and the Slayer hadn't talked much or bonded before Buffy's death and they had barely spoken since Buffy's return.

"What do you mean?" Buffy asked, uncrossing her arms.

"Giles is drinking and slipping more into whoever h-he was when h-he didn't like himself with that other guy," Tara tried to explain.

"With Ethan," Buffy said thoughtfully.

"Xander and Anya h-have set a date for the wedding and X-Xander is terrified," Tara continued. "H-he doesn't know w-who to talk to either. I c-can't get it out of him and Anya doesn't see it. I d-don't know why h-he's scared."

"Take a look at his parents and everyone else's parents," Buffy muttered. Her eyes and tone softened as she looked at her friend in a new light. Tara was right; Buffy had missed the changes in her friends. "What else?"

"D-dawnie," Tara stammered. "I love her, I w-wish she were my sister but s-she's not handling well either. S-she's stealing anything bright and shiny s-she can get her hands on. Like a little kid or a bird or s-something. And…and Willow…"

"What about Will?" Buffy urged.

"S-she's so hurt," Tara said loudly, tears filling her eyes. "Okay, we k-know you're not happy to be alive again b-but she went t-through hell to bring you back and y-you won't talk to her. Just s-surface stuff. S-she's hoping if s-she gets better at the magic that you'll need her again and it's becoming too easy, too tempting."

The shy witch ducked her head, afraid of the response from the Slayer.

"Oh God," Buffy muttered and leaned against the wall, feeling like she had been hit over the head with a board.

Both women were quiet for several minutes.

"I don't know how to fix it," Buffy admitted finally, her head lowered. "I… I can't feel anything inside, Tara. It's like I’m still dead. I get up, take care of things, get through the day until the night. Do my Slayer thing and then, maybe, I can…"

"What, Buff?" Tara asked, hoping the Slayer would admit to her strange relationship with Spike.

"I don't know," Buffy dodged. "I dust vampires and feel nothing, I see someone I didn't save and feel nothing. I see Dawn lighting fires in her trash can and feel nothing."

"You felt something the other night when you saw Giles onstage," Tara said, taking a chance.

Buffy frowned and looked thoughtful.

"Let's go back inside," Tara suggested after a moment.

* * *

"Must be lucky when you find the kind of wind that you need,

come and show me all the light and shame that made your name.

I know you've got it in your head, I've seen that look before.

You've turned your refuge into captive, all the same

because you're lonely in your nightmare, let me in

and there's barren in your garden, let me in

because there's heat beneath your winter, let me in

because you're so lonely in your nightmare, let me in

and there's cold out on the stone range, let me in

because there's heat beneath your winter, let me in"

(Lonely in Your Nightmare - Duran Duran)

The band was just finishing up the Duran Duran tune when Ripper saw Buffy and Tara walking back through the crowd. His Slayer was frowning and looked up at him with an expression that Giles just couldn't read, as if she were trying to peer into his mind for answers to something.

Ripper snarled, caught up in his own pain and anger, turning away from the Slayer as he took another drink of whiskey.

He leaned into Tim's ear and the bassist nodded as Ripper went to the mic again.

"I call this one the Watching song, it's rather obsessive," Ripper smirked.

every breath you take, every move you make

every bond you break, every step you take

I'll be watching you

every single day, every word you say

every game you play, every night you stay

I'll be watching you

oh can't you see, you belong to me

how my poor heart aches, with every step you take

every move you make, every vow you break

every smile you fake, every claim you stake

I'll be watching you

since you've gone, I've been lost without a trace

I dream at night and I can only see your face

I look around but it's you that I can't replace

I feel so cold and I long for your embrace

I keep calling for you, baby, baby, please

oh can't you see you belong to me

how my poor heart aches with every step you take

every move you make, every vow you break

every smile you fake, every claim you stake

I'll be watching you

every move you make, every step you take

I'll be watching you

(Every Breath You Take - The Police)

Buffy's frown deepened as Willow and Tara stared at Ripper and his band.

Ripper almost growled visibly at the Slayer.

"And a personal favorite of mine," he growled and broke into the opening chords of the Who.

no one knows what it's like to be the bad man

to be the sad man behind blue eyes

no one knows what it's like to be hated

to be fated to telling only lies

but my dreams they aren't as empty as my conscious seems to be

I have hours only lonely, my love is vengeance that's never free

no one knows what its like to feel these feelings

like I do and I blame you

no one bites back this hard on their anger

none of my pain, woe, can show through

but my dreams they aren't as empty as my conscious seems to be

I have hours only lonely, my love is vengeance that's never free

when my fist clenches crack it open before I use it, lose my cool

when I smile, tell me some bad news before I laugh and act like a fool

and if I swallow anything evil, put your finger down my throat

and if I shiver, please give me a blanket, keep me warm, let me wear your coat

no one knows what its like to be the bad man

to be the sad man behind blue eyes

(Behind Blue Eyes - The Who)

"Tara, honey, is he already sending messages to her?" Willow whispered urgently.

"I think so and it doesn't sound good, I… I think h-he's giving up," Tara pondered.

If Buffy had been watching her friend rather than Giles, she would have recognized "resolve face".

* * *

Ripper sighed as he put his feet up on top of a stack of beer cases and took a long pull from the whiskey bottle during the band's break backstage.

"What are you doing?" a voice demanded.

Giles sat up, almost falling out of his chair as Willow stood over him, hands on her hips.

"What?" he snapped back.

"You trying to drive her away?" Willow demanded.

"I don't have to try, do I then?" Ripper growled. "She doesn't care about any of us since she came back. Hell, she doesn't care if the world ends tomorrow. Going through the motions, that's all she is now. What do I care?"

"You're just going to give up, right? Let her go on with that bleached blonde 80s reject?" Willow snapped and found herself against the wall and Ripper standing over her, hands on either side of her head.

"How the hell do you know about that?" he growled.

"We saw them one night and I know that you've seen them," Willow said, trying to remain calm as Giles' blue-green eyes bored into hers. "That's not making her happy and you know it."

"And what would? A bullet to the brain?" Ripper growled, moving back away from the witch. "Buffy doesn't want life, she wants death now."

"Got that in common do you?" Willow snapped, storming off towards the front of the club again.

Giles frowned as Ripper drank.

* * *

Ripper seemed more withdrawn during the second set and Willow had just shaken her head when Tara had asked how it went with the Englishman. The red-haired hacker sat in her chair fuming. Her friends were so dense! She wanted to whack their heads together, lock them in a room and not let them out until one of them was dead or they were getting horizontal already!

"We're going to finish the night off with a special request," Ripper announced late in the evening. "It was a request from a friend but I think I'll tag along on this one and dedicate it to someone myself as well. This is by Melissa Etheridge."

The rope that's wrapped around me is cutting through my skin

And the doubts that have surrounded me are finding their way in

I keep it close to me, like a hole in my praise. in my desperate hour, it's better that way

So I'll come by and see you again, I'll be such a very good friend

Have mercy on my soul, I'll never let you know where my mind has been

Angels never came down, there's no one here they wanna hang around

But if they knew, if they knew you at all

Then one by one, the angels would fall

I've crept into your temple; I have slept upon your pew

I have dreamed of the divinity inside and out of you and I wanted more truth

I can taste it on my breath; I would give my life for a little, a little death

so I'll come by and see you again, I'll be just a very good friend

I will not look upon your face; I will not touch upon your ecclesiastical skin

Angels never came down, there's no one here they wanna hang around

But if they knew, if they knew you at all

Then, one by one, the angels, angels would fall

Sweet angels

I'll come by and see you again and I'll have to be a very good friend

If I whisper, they will know. I'll just turn around and go

You will never know my sin

Angels never came down, there's no one here they wanna hang around

But if they knew, if they knew you at all

Then, one by one, the angels, the angels would fall

There's no one here they wanna hang around

But if they knew, if they knew you at all

Then one by one, the angels, the angels would fall

Angels

Angels would fall

(Angels Would Fall - Melissa Etheridge)

Buffy sat almost as stunned as the first evening she saw Giles onstage as she listened to the lyrics and then she frowned. "What the hell?" she muttered as the band left the stage, Ripper barely glancing their way.

"I'll be back," Buffy growled quickly leaving the table before Willow or Tara could protest or ask questions. The Slayer made her way backstage, fighting through the growing number of young women and men hanging out, wanting to grab some of the energy, the magic from the band.

The small blonde spun Ripper around as he put his guitar away in its hardcase. She wasn't surprised when he spun around with his fists clenched and drawn back defensively.

"What the hell is going on between us?" she demanded.

Giles frowned and pulled the sunglasses back on. "Last time I looked, not much."

"Giles…" Buffy started but the Englishman held up his hand.

"I've had a bit to drink, I'm not in a good mood and I don't want to fight with you," Giles said firmly. The Englishman moved to tower over the small woman until she was up against the wall. "You want a map, Buffy? Want to know what's killed me for over five years?" he growled low and dangerous.

"Yes," she said softly.

Buffy started to protest or fight back when Ripper leaned down and kissed her. It wasn't a soft and hesitant kiss, not like she had always imagined Giles kissing her would be like. This was an insistent and exploring kiss, one that she fought against for a moment and then moaned and melted into.

After a moment Giles spun away, putting his sunglasses back on. "Go away, Buffy, go away. I'm not Spike and I'm not convenient."

Buffy staggered away from the wall, overwhelmed by the kiss, the abrupt ending of it and finally by Giles' words. "You… you knew?" she whispered, wanting to crawl under the stage and never see the light of day again as her Watcher kept his back to her, rejecting her.

Giles just shook his head, refusing to answer.

Buffy stumbled out of the bar, not even looking for Willow or Tara or answering their calls as she ran from the bar.

* * *

Willow and Tara spent the next three days frantically trying to figure out what was going on with their friends. It seemed that everyone was going through a melt down. Xander and Anya were arguing over little things that didn't make sense and Dawn was caught breaking curfew by lying about where she was.

The worst were Buffy and Giles, neither was speaking to anyone other than polite responses to questions. Buffy was up early and out late, relying on Willow and Tara to take care of Dawn once the precocious teenager got home in the afternoons. Giles was usually found in the back room practicing with the weapons or boxing bag or reading the books in the shop.

Not even Anya could get more than a polite response from him, even when she was being highly annoying.

On the fourth day Giles found an envelope taped to the door of the shop addressed to him in Buffy's writing. Inside he found nothing but a cassette tape and Giles frowned, hoping it wasn't a form of a runaway note. If anyone was going to leave, it would be him, damnit.

The Watcher went to the tape player/radio that Anya kept behind the counter to play soothing music and meditation tapes that they carried in the shop. He slipped the tape into the machine and pressed play.

What came out of the speakers was a combination of various songs, some with just a verse or two, others with the complete song. Giles and Ripper listened carefully after rewinding the short recorded bit. He wanted to hear the lyrics again, knowing that his Slayer was responding in kind.

First on the track was Black Sabbath's Paranoid and Giles nodded, knowing the song well.

people think I'm insane because I am frowning all the time

all day long I think of things but nothing seems to satisfy

think I'll lose my mind if I don't find something to satisfy

can you help me? thought you were my friend

oh yeah

I need someone to show me the things in life that I can't find

I can't see the things that bring true happiness, I must be blind

make a joke and I will sigh, you will laugh and I will cry

happiness I cannot feel, that love to me is so unreal

and so as you hear these words telling you now of my state

I tell you to enjoy life, I wish I could but its too late

(Black Sabbath – Paranoid)

Next came one that Giles couldn't quite place but wrote the lyrics out and began to nod.

you were there like a blow torch burning, I was a key that could use a little turning

so tired that I couldn't even sleep, so many secrets I couldn't keep

promised myself I wouldn't weep, one more promise I couldn't keep

seems that no one can help me now, I'm in too deep, there's no way out

this time I have really led myself astray

runaway train, never going back

wrong way on a one way track

seems like I should be getting somewhere

somehow I'm neither here nor there

can you help me remember how to smile, make it all somehow all seem worthwhile

how on earth did I get so jaded, life's mystery seems so faded

I can go where no one else can go, I know what no one else knows

here I am just drowning in the rain with a ticket for a runaway train

everything seems so cut and dry, day and night, earth and sky

but somehow I just don't believe it

(Soul Asylum – Runaway Train)

Giles knew he had caught Buffy's theme and message by the time the next song fragment came on. He knew the lyrics already to Queensryche.

I don't believe in love, I never have, I never will

I don't believe in love, its never worth the pain that you feel

no more nightmares, I've seen them all

from the day I was born they've haunted my every move

every opening hand, instead pushed and shoved

no time for love, does it matter

(Queensryche – I Don't Believe in Love)

"Oh God, Buffy," Giles said softly, unsure how to help his Slayer, his love.

* * *

Buffy watched the sun rising from the doorway of the tomb as Spike walked up behind her and wrapped a blanket around her naked form. He nuzzled her neck and frowned when she didn't respond.

"What's with you lately?" he demanded, pulling the Slayer back into the shadows.

"Nothing, why? I'm with you every night, aren't I?" Buffy growled.

"Your body is here but you aren't!" Spike snapped, turning Buffy around to face him. "Damnit! Why won't you let anyone in?"

"There's nothing inside to get to!" Buffy snapped back, shoving Spike back away from her. The Slayer brushed past the vampire, heading for her clothes.

"You think you're dead inside so the answer is shagging me?" Spike yelled, following her.

Buffy shrugged as she pulled her jeans on and reached for her discarded t-shirt.

"There's someone else!" Spike accused, his voice rising an octave. "I bloody well know that look! You're falling for someone? Who the bloody hell? Mr. Third Wheel Xander?"

"Xander is not a third wheel," Buffy said wearily. "Get over it, Spike. I'm not in love with you, I will never be in love with you, and I'll probably never be in love with anyone again."

"So, this is where you tell me we're over again?" Spike smirked, crossing his arms over his chest, unmindful of his nakedness but mindful of Buffy's lack of interest in it.

"Spike, I thought being with you made me feel something, anything," Buffy said slowly, walking towards the door but turned and looked at him sadly. "I was wrong, being with you is slowly killing me. I need to find the light, not more darkness."

Spike started to protest until the Slayer opened the door wide and the vampire was forced to step quickly out of the way of the bright sunlight pouring into the tomb. He looked up and Buffy was gone.

* * *

Ripper saw Buffy sitting alone at the bar watching him from the shadows and frowned. Something was different about the Slayer, as if she were fading into the shadows he was drinking himself into.

The Englishman turned to his bandmates, telling them his next choice. The drummer, Stevie, had seen the same blonde as their first night and grinned.

"You got it bad, Ripper," he teased as he brought his drumsticks up.

"Maybe," Ripper agreed as he turned to the crowd. He intentionally pulled his sunglasses off and stared into Buffy's eyes. "Dedicated to someone."

when the truth is found to be lies and all the joy within you dies

don't you want somebody to love, don't you need somebody to love

wouldn't you love somebody to love, you'd better find somebody to love

when dawn's lost, baby, you're dead and yes, your mind is so full of dread

don't you want somebody to love, don't you need somebody to love

wouldn't you love somebody to love, you'd better find somebody to love

your eyes, I say, your eyes make look like his

but in your head, I'm afraid you don't know where it is

don't you want somebody, don't you need somebody to love

wouldn't you love somebody to love, you'd better find somebody to love

tears are running, running down your breasts

and your friends, baby, they treat you like a guest

don't you want somebody to love, don't you need somebody to love

wouldn't you love somebody to love, you'd better find somebody to love

(Jefferson Airplane – Somebody to Love)

Buffy winced and tried to turn away from her Watcher but his eyes held her almost spellbound as they slipped into other songs. After a rendition of Bryan Adams "Everything I Do, I Do For You" Ripper relented and put his glasses back on, freeing Buffy from his gaze. The Slayer turned and lowered her head as she struggled with feelings for the first time since returning from the dead.

Then came a song Buffy wasn't sure she had ever heard before.

a gypsy wind is blowing warm tonight, the sky is starlet and the time is right

but still you're telling me you have to go

before you leave there's something you should know, something you should know babe

I've seen you smiling in the summer sun, I've seen your long hair flying when you run

I've made my mind up that it's meant to be

someday, lady, you'll accompany me

someday, lady, you'll accompany me, out where the rivers meet the sounding sea

you're high above me now, you're wild and free

ah, but someday, lady, you'll accompany me

someday, lady, you'll accompany me

some people say love is a losing game, you start with fire but you lose the flame

the ashes smolder but the warmth's hidden and gone

you end up cold and lonely, on your own

I'll take my chances, babe, I'll risk it all

I'll win your love or I'll take a fall

I've made my mind up that it's meant to be

someday, lady, you'll accompany me

(Bob Seager – You'll Accompany Me)

Buffy wasn't aware of the tears streaking her face as she listened to Giles.

* * *

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